Wedding in Pakistan: Pt 5- Reception

The day after the Nikkah, we woke up late.

Aside---Well, to be honest, we wake up late every day in Pakistan, unless the power is out and it's too hot to sleep anymore.  M's family, and from what I've heard, many Pakistani families are like this, tends to wake up later, and stay up later.  Often, they don't eat dinner until nine or ten o'clock at night.  I've heard that Latin America is culturally similar in this regard, so perhaps it has something to do with how hot it is during the day.  People would rather be more active during the night when its cooler.----

The nikkah festivities had gone on long into the night before and we were tired, but excited about our reception that evening.  Traditionally, a Pakistani wedding includes multiple reception-type events, including baraat, rukh satti, and valima.  However, because my family was not able to be there, and because we would be having another wedding in the U.S. soon (more about that in the future), we decided to stay simple and opt for one reception instead of multiple events.  We just called it a "reception" on the invitations.

A couple of weeks before this whole thing went down, M and I and my sils had travelled around Karachi to various wedding halls and sites trying to pick the one that would work best for us.  We decided to have the wedding outdoors, which was brave, or dumb, depending how you look at it, since August is monsoon season in Pakistan.   We decided to just pray that the rain would stay away on that one day.  We looked at quite a few empty lots.  See, that is where outdoor weddings happen in Karachi a lot of times, big empty lots.  Sometimes they are kind of trashed and overgrown looking too.  When we first started looking for places, I couldn't believe that this is where they had wedding receptions.  I thought M and my sils were kidding with me.  But they assured me that within a day of the reception, the site managers could clean it all up, roll out the (literally) red carpets, string banners, lights, and set up the food, stage, tables, and flowers to make it look gorgeous.  I was somewhat dubious, but I went with it, and it turned out to be breathtaking.

Our Reception Site, The Fleet Club, Karachi Pakistan

Here you can see what the stage looked like.  That is my sil giving me a gift. 

For the reception, I went to the beauty parlor in the Marriott to have my hair and makeup done.  The lady who was doing my makeup has a salon in Karachi and in London, and flies back and forth between the two.  She was really good, and I loved both my hair and make up for the reception.  She wound strands of jasmine through my hair in the back.  Then she helped me put on my jewelry and sari. Not that many brides in Pakistan wear saris, but I decided to do it because M likes saris, and M's mom, who is from East Africa (Gujurati Indian ethnically), has always worn saris, and wears a sari every day.  So I liked the idea of wearing one to honor her as well.  I thought the simplicity of the banarsee silk sari ended up working great for me and was really happy.  I wore a filmy red duppatta on my head, with tiny bells that jingled softly when I walked.  (Although it was so long that it touched the ground, and M managed to step on it a couple of times as we were walking, leaving me to be comically jerked backwards unexpectedly).  After a couple of hours in the salon, my sils came to get me.  When I walked through the lobby of the Marriot, everyone was staring at me.  My sils were regretting that they didn't bring a chador or something to cover me up, what with all the jewelry and stuff and the unwanted attention we were getting.  We rushed through the lobby, and jumped into the waiting car, and the driver sped off, as a hijra  knocked on the window, asking for some money to bless the bride.  We hurried back to M's house to take pictures before heading to the reception.

You can see my jewelry and hair pretty well in this picture

My sari

The reception was literally that, a reception.  M and I sat on a stage, while people came up to greet us and congratulate us, take pictures with us, then go get food and eat at tables.  I should mention that we also had quite a few uninvited guests, which were a whole bunch of stray cats, who were fighting and mewling quite loudly under the stage, and at times ran out to snatch food off of unoccupied tables, while the wait staff tried to discreetly shoo them out of the tent.  There was no music, like there is here, although there was a Christian wedding reception on the lot behind ours, and we could hear the muffled beat of bad Eighties music from our stage.  Many, many pictures were taken.  After that, my eldest sister in law and her husband did something which I have been told is somewhat unconventional for Pakistani receptions, which is they took M and I around to every table, and we said hello to everyone and thanked them for coming.  M shook hands with all the guys and I got hugs or nods from all the women.  It was actually really fun, but exhausting.  The whole thing really didn't get going until around 10:30 p.m. and by around 1:30 a.m., the crowd had thinned out and we actually got to sit down at a table and eat.  The food was delicious, including a lot of my favorite things, chicken biryani, palak paneer, sikh kabab, kulfi for desert, and diet coke!  As we were finishing our food, and everyone else had gone, we felt the first few drops of rain hit our faces.  It had held off for the whole reception, just as we had hoped.  We gathered our things and left before it began pouring, thankful for a beautiful reception and no rain.

Here I am holding M's cousin's little baby.  His family told me it was good luck for the new bride to hold the youngest baby in the family. 

Enjoying my diet coke before the rain started coming down.  Wouldn't this make a great ad?  I'm holding the bottle with the label turned just the right way, lol!

Wedding in Pakistan Pt. 4: Rasaams (Traditions) following the Nikkah

After the Nikkah-nama was signed by M, everyone hugged and congratulated each other (well, M and I still hadn't seen each other, but all the family members were going from room to room and congratulating each other).  Then they made M leave the big room, and they brought me out of sil's bedroom and I, with all the women surrounding me, veil still covering me, walked from her room to the big room where I would get to meet M for the first time as his wife.  Looking at pictures of me, standing in the doorway, surrounded by all of M's female relatives, I look like a ridiculous Amazon woman.  At 5'7, in over 2 inch heels, I towered over most of them, the addition of the red veil just adds to the effect of my mammoth-ness.

So, I was swept across the room by my escorts and deposited on the floor at one end, with my legs curled up beneath me.  I sat in this postion, under my veil, for what seemed like a VERY long time.  So long, in fact, that my legs feel asleep.  Totally, numb from the waist down asleep.  Then, when I tried to shift a little bit to wake them up, blinding pins and needles pain shooting through my entire legs!  I'd never before had both my entire legs fall asleep!  It was horrible, I was so worried that once I had to get up I would just fall over!


Finally, they brought in M.  He walked in under a red duppata, carried by some of his male relatives.

I was still hiding under my veil.  And he sat down in front of me.  Someone placed a decorated mirror in between us, and pulled back my veil, while we both looked into the mirror at the same time.  This was the first time we saw each other as husband and wife.  Traditionally, this would have been the first time the bride and groom saw each other, ever.  Then some of the girls (who had been designated as representatives from my side, since I didn't have anyone there) tried to push my head together with his, and some of his "representatives" tried to push him towards me.  I didn't know I was supposed to resist this, so I just let them.  Then my sil leaned over and whispered, don't let them push you, so I gave back a little resistance.  They pushed a few more times until we both gave up and they pushed our foreheads together.

Then someone brought the Qur'an, and placed it on our laps.  M had to trace Surah Ihklas (‘Say He is Allah, the One, Allah is eternal and Absolute, He begets not, nor was He begotten, there is none equal to Him, He is alone’) on my forehead seven times with his finger. 

Then he took a ring, and dipped it in something similar to sindhoor, except it was silvery instead of red (I will have to ask him what this was), and placed it on the part of my hair seven times. 

After that, they brought a plate of halwa (sweet dessert).  They placed a small bit in my hand and then my girls took my hand and held it out teasingly to him.  His side pushed his head forward, trying to help him eat the halwa from my hand.  My side pulled it back each time, to keep him from getting it.  Everyone was laughing so hard!  This went on for a while.  One time he cheated, reached out and snatched it with his hand and ate it.  Another time, he got one of his little nieces to sneakily help him get it.  He had to eat the halwa three times.  Then he took a small spoon and gave me three tiny bites of the halwa.  

After that, the rasaams were finished, and we sat up on the couch for pictures, and gifts were given.  Each of M's relatives (as families) gave me a gold set and gave M's sisters, mom, and dad clothes. 
Then there was more song singing and drum playing in line with what went on at the Mehndi.  Finally, everyone began to leave, and we were exhausted and looking forward to the next event the next day, our reception.

M's idea of a funny joke while we were taking pictures. 

Wedding in Pakistan Pt. 3- The Nikkah Ceremony

So there I was, sitting in my sil's bedroom on the bed, waiting and wondering what was going to happen next.  It seemed like I waited quite a while, although it couldn't have actually been more than 30 minutes.  Later I saw the video of what was going on in the other room, and so I got an idea of what parts I missed.

So, the way the nikkah is done in Pakistan, the groom is in one room and the bride is in another.  Aside: The Nikkah-nama itself is the actual written contract that both parties sign, and upon signing it are married.  It is much more legalistic than marriages here.  For instance, I had the opportunity to write terms into the Nikkah-nama prior to the ceremony, I considered doing it, just for the heck of it, but decided against it, as I knew the contract would not be legally binding here in the U.S. and I didn't want to embarass M or his family by making it seem like I distrusted him by writing things into it.  (Although as a lawyer, I would have taken great glee in drafting my own clauses!)  Also written are the bride and groom's information as would be put in a marriage license in the U.S., and the amount of mahr (dowry) that the bride will receive.  I accepted my engagement ring (the value of it) as my mahr. 

Ok, so back to the nikkah.  While I was sitting waiting, all the men and M were in the other room and two Maulanas (religious leaders) were there reading dua's (prayers) etc.  The witnesses were filling out the required information about themselves into the forms (name, father's name, address).  M had three witness and I had three witnesses.  We also each had our own Maulana, who would then negotiate the nikkah on our behalf.  It was kind of like we each had our own "lawyer."  So M's "lawyer" recited the terms of the Nikkah to my "lawyer."  Then my "lawyer" came to my room to recite the terms of the Nikkah to me and get my approval of them.  All the women were in the room with me.  My mil sat next to me on the bed the whole time and squeezed my hand very tight.  I was so anxious and had a light butterflyee feeling in my stomach.  The veil was still over my face, so I could only barely make out the Maulana, but this is what he said "Do you Southern Masala, daughter of Dr. Ali Masala, take M... under such and such terms?"  I was so confused, who was Dr. Ali?  Had they told him that my dad's name was Ali so that he would think my Dad was Muslim?  Then I realized the Maulana was saying "R.E." my dad's initials.  I almost started laughing out loud, but I didn't say anything.  You see, M's Appi (aunt) had told me before the ceremony that I shouldn't answer the first time because traditional Pakistani brides don't answer on the first question (they have to ask you the same question three times).  That way they seem shy and modest and not eagerly rushing towards marriage.  However, this maulana knew that I was American, so when I didn't answer on the first time, he was really suprised and confused!  He was worried something must be wrong!  M's Appi and his sisters all said "answer! answer!"  So of course I said yes! And yes again and yes again!  I was crying then and so was my MIL, ha ha, from all the pent up emotion and happiness.

Then he stuck the nikkah-nama at the bottom of the veil, and I had to sign it, but I can't read Urdu, so I didn't know where to sign, so I signed on the wrong line at first, and they had to cross it out and then I signed on the right one.  Then my MIL put a small gold and ruby ring on my finger.

My Maulana went back to M's maulana and said I accepted these terms.  Then M's maulana recited the terms to him, and he had to accept them each three times.  The whole recitation is done in very sing songy Arabic, and M was sitting in between the two of them on the couch.  The whole time, I can tell that he is trying not to laugh (remember everything from M's side I have seen on the video), and BIL is trying not to laugh that was sitting across from him too.  Then M signed the nikkah-nama and that was it, we were married, but more waiting was to come, and then a lot of fun with rasaams (means traditions, have to wait to the next post)!

Our maulanas discussing the nikkah-nama.  My maulana is the one in the brown robe and M's is in the black robe.

Getting my assent to the marriage.  After thinking about it, I decided to say yes (j/k M, I knew yes all along!)

Here is a closer picture of the nikkah-nama.  That is me signing it. 

My MIL putting the nikkah ring on my finger. 

M in between the maulanas as they were reciting.  I can't believe he was laughing on such a solemn occasion!  

M signing the nikkah-nama.  Now we are married!  The red arm band is called Imam Zamin.  I had one too.  It is to keep away nazar (evil eye) and protect you on the start of your journey (in this case, our marriage). 

To be continued...

Lurkers?

According to The Gori Wife, it's national de-lurker day.  Do I have any lurkers on my blog?  If so, please say hi!  I promise you can go back to obscurity. 

BTW, the next round of my Pakistani wedding posts is coming out tonight, with pics.  Just waiting to get home from work so I can upload them!

Wedding in Pakistan Pt. 2- Getting Ready for the Nikkah

The day after my mehndi was the nikkah.  The nikkah is the religious ceremony where the marriage is legally solemnized, so technically after the nikkah you are married legally and Islamically.  For my nikkah we decided to make it a relatively small affair, at M's house, with just family and some really close friends invited.  I think ultimately there were between 30 and 40 people there.  I had already gone out and chosen my dress for the nikkah, which was a firoze green sharara with heavy yellow gold work, from Rizwan Mozzam, one of my youngest sil's favorite clothing shops in Karachi.  It was the only one of my wedding outfits that I personally chose myself.  All the others were picked out by sil and M before I reached Karachi, and then "approved" by me.  A sharara consists of a skirt, a top (relatively short top, not long like a kameez), and a duppatta.  The duppata on my sharara was very heavy, we'll come to that later.

Two days before the nikkah, I went to one of M's cousin's house to do a test run of my make up.  This cousin had a beauty parlor in her house (similar, but smaller than the one I had my mehndi done at).  I warned her about putting too much pale make up on me, since I am already a pasty face to begin with.  Many brides in Pakistan wear very pale make up, which looks fine when you have darker skin, but I didn't want to end up looking like a mime on my wedding day!  So she did the make up, and then we drove home.  When we got there, M about died laughing, he said I looked like a zombie.  She had put on too pale make up and really greeny-bluey eye shadow to match my sharara, but it looked awful.  I told my sil's that they had to tell her to go much much more natural for me.  I still had some misgivings about her doing my make up for the nikkah, but I couldn't say so, not wanting to hurt her feelings or cause any family tensions.

The day of the nikkah I got ready in the new big bedroom that would be "ours" once the nikkah was finished.  Although I had been in Karachi for 6 weeks, I had been sleeping in my sil's room, while M slept on the floor in our bedroom.  We had a new bed and he refused to sleep in it until we could both be there.  So he was sleeping on the floor.  So back to getting ready.  I got my sharara on, with help from my sils and M's Appi.  My hair was done up, and then M's cousin stepped up to do my make up.  I didn't look, but when she stepped back, she had done a wonderful job!  M's sisters had told her about what went wrong the first time and she corrected it all perfectly!  Then I put on my nikkah jewelry, two 24k gold necklaces, gold earrings, and rings, and green and gold churian (bangles) that covered pretty much my entire forearms.  Finally it was time for the duppata.  M's cousin placed it on my head, and using about a gazillion hair pins, pinned it into my hair.   It was so heavy!  Then she safety-pinned it into my hair for good measure, and then safety pinned one side of the duppata to the shoulder of my blouse, to create a really nice cascading look.  When I was finally ready, I had to be helped up to walk and move around, because the weight of the dress and accessories and moving around in my high heeled gold flowery chappals (sandals) was beyond the grace of my tomboy self :).

Finally, we made it down the stairs and into my sil's bedroom, where I was deposited and arranged, and then pretty much left alone, with some aunties and teenage girls, who basically just gawked at me and talked to each other.  I don't know if they could speak English or not, but none of them talked to me.  After seeing other weddings there, I understand why, because a lot of times the bride is supposed to me acting really sad and almost in mourning that she is about to get married, and not want to talk to anyone. So I don't think it was a snobby thing, just a normal thing at Pakistani weddings.

So there I was sitting and sitting and sitting and waiting and waiting and waiting...

Close up of the work on the duppatta of my sharara.

The jewelry I wore for my nikkah. M picked all my jewelry for me. 

You can see my earrings here.  These are fresh jasmine (motia) garlands that we got after the nikkah.

Once I was finished getting ready, they put this veil over my face.  Here I am pretending to be very sad and morose like a proper Pakistani dulhan. 

To be continued...

My New Year's Resolution

Oh no, has it really been over a month since I posted anything on here?  After I promised that I would restart this thing and even persuaded some of my old friends back here to read it and everything?  I am sooooo sooo sorry.  Can I make excuses?  Two trials out of town, Christmas, Muharram, fixing up our house, etc etc?  Ok, so one of my new year's resolutions is to write at least one post a week from now on and I really want to do better about it.  (And no, this doesn't count as my one post).  So I will be doing some more wedding posts, travel posts, catching up on the past 4 years of my life posts.  

For New Year's M had this cute idea that we should write down ten resolutions and seal them up (not let each other see), and then open them at the end of the year and see how many we kept.  (He even decided we should get graded, with 60% being passing!)  I have written my ten down, (actually 11), but I won't write them here, because I think sometimes he actually reads this thing.  So I will just say that one of them is to post once a week on here (at least!)